


Safe haven

by WendigoBaby



Series: The road to self-discovery [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Crying, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mostly Fluff, talking about feelings, the whole package
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 14:42:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6911386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WendigoBaby/pseuds/WendigoBaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chest heaving, Alec stood at Magnus’ door, now filled with doubt. Maybe coming here in the middle of the night and waking up the High Warlock of Brooklyn wasn’t the brightest idea in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safe haven

It was almost 3 a.m. and Alec felt immensely tired and numb. He sat through a long and tedious strategy meeting in regards of Jace’s and Valentine’s whereabouts, but nothing new came up after a whole week of intense searching and string-pulling amongst many shady contacts. Now, everybody’s gone to sleep, even Izzy, after patting him on the shoulder as she passed him by. She looked like she wanted to talk to him, ask how he’s doing, but he sent her a glance that asked to leave him alone, so she complied. What words of comfort could she offer? We’ll get through this? Of course they will, but with what results? Everything’s gonna be okay? That’s just an empty phrase he heard so many times that it stopped making sense  years back.

  
Half of the lights in the OPS centre were turned off, leaving Alec in something of a mix between a dimly lit living room and a creepy horror-esque hallway, even with all those high-tech monitors emitting a blue glow. Someone’s steps echoed in the corridor leading to the sleeping quarters. A door slammed closed.

  
Alec stared at the smudges on the glass surface of the table in front of him, before his half-lidded eyes flitted over to the haphazardly open file with their last lead, that also took them nowhere. Some Seelie scouts have seen Valentine’s ship near the New York docks, but when they - he, Izzy, Clary and Simon - went over there, the waters were navy, calm and definitely did not harbor a giant trasport ship full of people with glowing Seraph blades. Alec felt anger boom in his chest and spread out over his whole body, stinging behind the eyes. It was an uncomfortable heat, the kind that restricted his throat and made a loud buzzing drown out all other sounds. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. They were only supposed to get the spellbook from Camille and go back, but then everything has gone to hell in a handbasket just because he got distracted by his feelings.

  
What kind of a leader is he, when he can’t even find his own _fucking_ parabatai? He was trying as hard as he could and still it didn’t matter.

  
_Maybe your best just isn’t good enough._  
Jace’s angry words from before resonated in his mind and he nodded to himself; it’s true. He’s never good enough. He failed Jace (twice now, mind you, not counting all of the times the same thing happened before Clary entered their lives), he couldn’t help Izzy with her trial, his parents were never proud of him anymore, always wanting something else, one more sacrifice. And a week ago, he embarassed the family name and Lydia by breaking off his own wedding and leaving his wife-to-be at the altar in favor of a male Downworlder.

  
_Magnus Bane._  
The thought of the flashy warlock made his lips twitch with a shadow of a smile. That last thing he didn’t regret in the slightest, in spite of what everyone else thought.

  
_Magnus._  
Alec got up from his chair, shoulders slouched and knotted with days old stress. He hasn’t slept almost at all since Valentine’s last visit - he kept trying to find ways to get Jace back, juggled that with going on patrols, since demon activity has doubled and these newborn Shadowhunters kept attacking the Institute, and on top of that, even though he made quite the spectacle, other Shadowhunters still came for help to him. Demotion from the position of second-in-command and the field leader still didn’t come, and Alec was thankful for that one small miracle. Yet, it was probably just a matter of time before he’s thrown to the very bottom of the Shadow World’s corporate ladder, all his previous work worthless.

  
It was all too much for Alec; he was thinking and working too much and eating not enough, always moving around the Institute and barking orders. His body protested against every movement, but Alec found himself walking towards the exit, combat boots dragging on the polished floors. When the cold air and wind hit him in the face, he took off running, using his last bits of strength to get to Magnus’ apartment. Alec needed to see him - right now. It was an impulse; he was supposed to go and flop onto his bed in full gear, then wake up with a kink in his neck and another horrible mood that Izzy would make fun of, but instead, there he was, weaving between the unknowing mundanes walking on the pavement. His open jacket didn’t protect him from the gusts of freezing air, so his arms prickled with goosebumps, even though an uncomfortable hot-and-cold settled inside him, the same kind of feeling of imminent dread one would get before finding out the test results for cancer.

  
Blood pounded in his ears, making the annoying headache that accompanied him for the last few days even worse. His lungs burned, his legs shook at the knees as he rounded another corner and the brown-haired Nephilim was close to collapsing. It was a strange urge, stronger than anything - Alec needed to see that soft smile and hear the silky voice as if his life depended on it, as if it could make it better. As if inside his mind, Magnus has become his safe haven.  
Chest heaving, Alec stood at Magnus’ door, now filled with doubt. Maybe coming here in the middle of the night and waking up the High Warlock of Brooklyn wasn’t the brightest idea in the end. But Alec couldn’t go back now - his body begged him to sit down, to rest; the way back to the Institute was too long. 

  
So he knocked. Well, maybe more like banged his fist on the dark wood, with urgency and a little bit of desperation in his gesture.  
At first everything was eerily quiet and Alec wondered if Magnus was even home (maybe Alec in his tiredness picked the wrong door?), but his train of thought got quickly interrupted when the door swung open and a sleepy warlock stood before him. Alec took in the view between heavy breaths - sleep toussled hair, no makeup, an open silk robe just barely covering a dark, muscled chest. Magnus looked even younger and softer than usual, simultaneously angelic and surreal.

  
“Alexander! What are you doing here? Is there trouble at the Institute?” Immediately, Magnus’ face washed over with concern, ready to jump to the Shadowhunters’ rescue, his voice rough with sleep; Alec shook his head and stepped inside the loft as Magnus closed the door, locking it after his guest.  
“Magnus.. I’m sorry, but I needed to see you.” Alec shifted his weight from one leg to the other, grabbing onto his elbows, feeling panic rise in his throat like burning bile. The exhaustion made space for all of his feelings that he couldn’t keep locked up anymore and  which were now pouring out from behind the walls he built in his heart and mind. His fears, insecurities and guilt pulled at his gut, setting inside him like a leaden ball and constricting his chest, making it so hard to function. He couldn’t breathe.

  
“Why? Alec, talk to me.” Now there was fear in Magnus’ voice and his pretty little hands hovered over Alec’s arms as if he was afraid to touch and startle the Nephilim.  
“I just, I.. - Magnus, I am so sorry. I’ve been nothing but an ass towards you, when all you did was help us and you never took, you just gave and gave and gave, even when you didn’t have to.. This isn’t how you usually do business- and-” Alec interrupted himself and took in a sharp, aborted breath, feeling tears well up behind his eyelids. His vision started going black at the edges as he kept his eyes trained on the floor, swaying from side to side in a pointless manner, trying to push the panic down and squish it back into its cage in the back of his mind. He shook like a leaf in the wind and he could feel Magnus’ sad eyes on his face, but didn’t dare to look up. 

  
_“And?”_

  
When Alec stayed quiet for too long, Magnus took half a step closer. “Would my touch be welcome right now? I can never figure out where your boundaries lay.”  
Alec nodded frantically, digging his fingers into his palms almost painfully. The world felt detached and Alec was going to drown.  
But then he felt it - a warm, tentative touch as one hand wrapped around his wrist and the other one lifted up his chin enough for him to look into Magnus’ eyes.  
“Look at me, darling. Breathe with me, you are safe here.” Warlock’s voice was quiet, but strong and sure, thus Alec felt compelled to listen even when the searing hot spiral inside him grew. Magnus took Alec’s cold hands and pressed them flat against his own chest, where his heart was - the beat calm and slow. For a second, the Nephilim looked down, marvelling at the expanse of flawless skin under his fingertips and when his gaze lifted back up, he was surprised with cat-like eyes, golden and glowing in the dark.  
In, out. In, out. Alec tried to control his breath, push back the wave of self-loathing and every negative emotion bundled up inside his soul. So far, it was working.

  
Magnus’ touch felt like it grounded him in the real world, essentially stopping the oncoming panic attack. Alec still couldn’t think clearly though, so he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. He might’ve forgotten what he was going to say in the first place anyway.  
“You look beautiful, Magnus.” His voice was barely above a strained whisper and Magnus smiled gently, taken aback by the sudden confession.  
“Thank you, Alexander. But that is not what you wanted to tell me, is it?”  
His fingers splayed out over Alec’s, holding the trembling palms in place and Alec could feel the rise and fall of Magnus’ chest; he tried to replicate the calmness of the motion, his muscles stuttering and uncooperative.  
“I’m s-sorry. For everything. And thank you. You’ve helped me so much.”  
“There’s no need to thank me, you’ve essentially helped yourself. I was just there to guide you.” Magnus smiled again and Alec’s eyes dropped to his lips, reminding him of the kiss.  
He wanted to do that again soon.  
“I don’t regret it.” Alec whispered, his pupils blown wide in the dimly lit corridor, jumping all over Magnus’ face.  
“Come again?”  
“I don’t regret kissing you. I’m glad I chose you, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”  
The smile that lit up Magnus’ face was worth the torturous run here - the warlock was positively beaming and it looked good on him.  
They stood like that for a while - in that moment time seemed like an abstract concept to Alec, so he let it go; it could’ve been an hour or five minutes, who knows. Alec kept his gaze trained on Magnus, his shambled thoughts concentrated on the liquid gold of the Downworlder’s irises and the sharp bow of his upper lip; he felt his hands warm up from the warlock’s body heat. Magnus kept whispering to him, little “it’s okay"s and "you’re doing great"s, his words a consistency of honey.

  
Alec was calmer now and could breathe somewhat properly, even though his chest still hurt - there was an empty space, an unfillable vacuum. Instead of the panic and apart from the wonder he felt while looking at Magnus, sadness and weariness took reign in his bones. His willpower was enough to keep his consciousness aboard, but his body had obviously different plans, running on empty for far too long.  
His knees buckled under the weight of his body and Alec would’ve collapsed onto the ground if Magnus didn’t catch him in time. The warlock wrapped his arms tightly around Alec’s middle, supporting his body. In retaliation, Alexander wrapped his arm loosely around Magnus’ shoulders as he was being led towards the couch. He didn’t register much from that moment, to be honest, as he was too busy trying to keep himself upright and not crush Magnus.  
But when he sat down and his body sunk into the soft plush and cushions, it was like real angels descended from the heavens above and blessed him with the holy light.  
"Alexander, you’re exhausted. When was the last time you’ve slept properly?”  
When Alec just shrugged his shoulders after a moment of pondering, Magnus huffed annoyedly and turned on his heel, walking briskly towards his bedroom, his bare feet tapping on the floor and his robe flowing after him like a superhero cape. It was covered in golden and silver swirls that reflected the moonlight.

  
_Magnus is my superhero._ Alec thought.  
By the Angel, he was getting delirious.  
He didn’t even hear Magnus come back, his eyes closed and his mind on the verge of falling into the nothingness and suddenly there was a blanket over his lap and a bowl of steaming  chicken broth in his hands.  
Magnus snapped his fingers and Alec felt his jacket and boots disappear from his body.  
Alec gave the warlock a thankful nod and sipped the soup, careful not to burn his mouth. 

  
Magnus sat by Alec’s side on the couch, leaving a small space between them, small enough to reach out to Alec, while still leaving his personal space in tact. He didn’t expect to be woken up so abruptly, but sleep no longer muddled his thoughts - the matters at hand were much more important than a beauty sleep and it was clear that Alec needed a good heart-to-heart; something was grinding that wonderful boy into the ground and Magnus could see that from the dark circles under Alec’s eyes and how small he looked even when he was still tall and big.  
“How do you feel, Alec?” He questioned, not taking his eyes off of Alexander, not even bothering with the glamour. Magnus himself was away in the last few days, after Alec said he will be okay on his own. Of course Magnus called and texted Alec, but through the phone everything seemed much better than he could see it was now. He checked up on other warlocks, making sure they’re safe and that took quite a chunk out of his week - he had to herd every single stubborn Downworlder into a protected space, whether it was a friends’ home or his own hideout.

  
Magnus felt worry and a pang of guilt - he could’ve checked up on the Shadowhunter too; he should’ve expected the boy would lose himself like this - always caring for others and never for himself. But Magnus was still walking on eggshells around what they had together and didn’t want to mess up - push too far; maybe it was cowardly, but the warlock thought that Alec just needed to figure everything out for himself, like he said - find some time to think, put all of the puzzle pieces into their rightful place.  
“I feel like everything is crumbling in my hands and no matter what I do, it’s hopeless.”  Alec set the bowl down on the coffee table before him and now stared at his palms, one pressed into the other. “I’m hopeless.” Alec probably hoped that Magnus wouldn’t hear that last part, but the warlock definitely did and it hurt just to hear those words leave the Shadowhunter’s mouth.  
But for now, he stayed quiet, as Alec seemed to have more to say.  
“It’s.. it’s unfair, Magnus!” Alec spat out, hitting his thighs with his fists and turning to face Magnus with his upper body. “Everyone expects me to be the golden child, looks to me like I have all of the answers, when I have none! They need me to be strong, but I can’t even make myself try anymore, I feel drained and so empty. This is all my fault.” The Nephilim fisted the blanket in his hands, breathing raggedly again and Magnus worried if he was going to panic again, but Alec answered that question, when he slapped a hand over his eyes and curled in on himself.  
“I should’ve made sure everyone was safe. I should’ve made it better. But I didn’t. I can’t feel Jace. Our bond is too week and it feels like he’s dead.” A pained sob tore from Alec’s throat as he made himself even smaller, pulling his knees up to his chest. The Nephilim wiped furiously at his eyes with the backs of his palms and sniffed, deliberately interested in the wall opposite of Magnus.  
Magnus slowly set his palm between Alec’s shoulder blades, starting to rub slow circles into the Shadowhunter’s back. 

“Don’t hold it back, you allowed to feel emotions, Alexander." 

Alec was falling apart in front of Magnus and the warlock wanted nothing more than to lock up this precious Nephilim in a cage, far away from all of their problems and just care for him, make him happy. That wasn’t possible, unfortunately, and Magnus had to settle for consolation. He bit his lower lip, holding Alec’s tired, red-rimmed stare, before the boy shifted his full body towards Magnus.  
"I wish you didn’t have to see me like this, it’s pathetic…” Alec’s voice was broken and a little angry, yet there was hope, while he waited for Magnus’ reply.  
“It’s not, Alec. It’s raw and real. And it hurts, I know. You’re not hopeless and you’re not weak. You’re one of the bravest, strongest Nephilim I’ve ever known.”  
Magnus moved his palm from the Shadowhunter’s back to his neck, dragging his thumb along strained tendons.  
Alec stayed quiet for a moment, sniffling quietly, still fighting the pent up tears trying to escape. “Um, Magnus… Would yo- Could you, perhaps, hold.. me?”  
“Of course, Alexander. But I think we should move to the bedroom, you’ll be more comfortable there than on this tiny couch.”  
Magnus smiled at Alec reassuringly and even though it was dark, the warlock could swear he saw blush spread over Alec’s face, right from the eartips down to his neck. He magicked the forgotten soup away with a snap of his fingers and led the Nephilim to the bedroom, holding a steady hand at the small of his back.

  
While Alec waited, leaning against the doorframe, Magnus readied the covers before slipping off his robe and throwing it onto a nearby chair. After they both slid under the warm sheets, Magnus lay on his back, one arm under his head and Alec on his other side, the boy’s cheek right against his pectoral muscle. Alec was almost radiating heat, his face red as a tomato. Maybe he was embarassed, but his body betrayed how he felt.  
As soon as Magnus’ arm bracketed Alec’s shoulders, fingers tracing simple shapes into the fabric of the t-shirt, Alec’s body went pliant. The lanky boy shyly tangled his legs with Magnus’ and draped an arm over the warlock’s stomach, getting comfortable. Being exhausted apparently lowered people’s inhibitions.

  
“Alec, this is not a war you have to fight alone. You have your sister, you have Clary and her entourage of vampires and werewolves, even your parents. You have me.” Magnus craned his neck and pressed a simple kiss against Alec’s head. “A strong leader relies on others for help. Do not shut us out. And believe me when I say this - do not give up on what you deem your happiness. Because, there will always be someone to put you down, but the key is not to listen to that gibberish.” Magnus sighed softly to himself, Alec’s breath tickling the skin below his collarbones. “Sometimes you need to be selfish to take care of yourself.” He squeezed Alec’s shoulders tighter and felt the boy smile against his chest. “I gave you the pep talk and now sleep. We will talk in the morning over a solid breakfast and we’ll find Jace, _together_." 

  
"I… _Goodnight,_ Magnus.”  
“Goodnight, darling.”  
Alec fell asleep almost right away, his breathing even, but Magnus couldn’t follow him into Morpheus’ arms; his eyes kept sliding down towards the angelic face resting on his chest, gentle and young when not riddled with problems of daily life of a warrior. 

  
They’ve met not so long ago, but Magnus knew that Alec will be someone special since their first meeting in Pandemonium, when the Shadowhunter took his breath away and left him longing for the feeling of love once again.  
And oh boy, did Magnus fall quick for Alexander. All it took was a couple of genuine, puppy smiles and proof of his character - loyal, leader-like, ambitious and righteous. Maybe it wasn’t love yet, but Magnus was enamoured with the Nephilim and a magnetic force tugged him towards the archer. He was almost sure that Alec felt the same way, even when he denied that in the beginning. If it wasn’t obvious - Alexander trusted Magnus enough to let himself be seen in his most vulnerable moment with his soul bare, enough to fall asleep in the arms of a man he kissed in front of his whole world.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me and all my works on tumblr as well under the name 'maghnvsbane'! <3


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